I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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