After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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