we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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