I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
