I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
