Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
