get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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