I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize