I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
