Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I did not marry a roomba.
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