The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
