i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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