I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize