How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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