I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
