I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
