I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
