I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Still dying that you shit outside
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
