you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
