Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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