It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
