It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
