We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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