Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Randomize
