My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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