I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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