just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
