Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
