Four minutes until I can fart!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
