I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
