Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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