Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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