I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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