wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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