Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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