Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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