Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's never too late to be topless.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
