I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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