Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
