my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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