just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
