I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If I die, sorry about rent.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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