i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
