one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize