I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize