rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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