If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
