I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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