You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
