chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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