i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
