If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I don't deserve a penis
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
