He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
