I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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