i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
