love makes seman taste better
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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