guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
