My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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