I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
