I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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