I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
