Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
