Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
